I turned 28 over the weekend and I remember when I turned 18, the age of 28 seemed like it was sooo far away! And I always thought once a person gets that close to the age of 30 they have life all figured out and know what they’re doing. But now that I’m here, I’m like “oh I don’t have a single clue yet!” Maybe that’s why they say ‘Life begins at 40’ because I’m definitely going to need more than 2 years to get my act together, right?
On a serious note. My birthday this year was very different given that we are in lockdown and still very much in #CoronaGate. The weather was beautiful though and it was a long weekend so I had no complaints really. I got to see my family briefly in a socially distanced manner which was the real highlight, alongside all the pressies. I haven’t seen my family since all this started and I hadn’t realised how much I had missed them in the physical – the regular video calls just don’t compare! So, my main gift this year was time with them but also just realising how blessed I am. Not only to have made it 28 years on this earth but to find all my loved ones are still well and healthy through what’s been a truly unpredictable 10weeks.
Though I joke about not having life all figured out, I do feel like I’m getting closer to knowing who I am. Which is a milestone in itself! There are so many things that influence us as we grow, parents, siblings, peer pressure, culture etc. Then before you know it you are running a household and seen as a ‘responsible adult’ and it all kind of just happens. Life happened, and I ended up here. I was very present for every stage of it, but I do feel like I followed the status quo of school, degree, get a job, marry, build your own home.. UP NEXT : get on the property ladder then of course babies!
But I have constantly had an internal battle of who I am and who I want to become. And that battle goes into different facets of my life – faith, my career, my hustle and my family. And what tends to happen especially where growth is involved, I freeze. Like literally I stop crumble and end up in a very downhill path that brings very little outcome. Anyone else feel that way? 1 step forward and 3 steps back. And a lot of the time to get out of that I will consider what different people I know would do to deal with a situation. It becomes a copy & paste of the people you love and admire. Not so much ever paying attention to what I would do personally or being too worried that what I would looks too different from what so & so has done. That can’t be good!
The joy of getting older is that I’m realising that all of that stems from fear and a lot of self-doubt.
Like I said in my last post I have been trying to use this lockdown season to figure out what I am good at and how to perfect those things. And with time and a little bit of age I am slowly starting to feel more confident in my strengths and open to trying new things. Funny thing is, I think 18yr old me was way more confident than the me of today. But of pain and hurt will do that to you. I’ll get into that on another day. I had all sorts of bold ambitions and enterprises to start but now caution and I are very good friends.
Now that I am embarking on Chapter 28 of the Tales by TSO, what do I want the next 10 years to look like? That’s the million-dollar question. Maybe it will serve me well to remember the confident parts of my past, the painful bits, the happy times and know all the strengths I possess – I’ll be a force to be reckoned with! Who knows! All we know is this new year is going to bring some good even in a time of uncertainty. I am definitely a lot more focused and every time fear rears its ugly head I am able to question it and defend myself first before just freezing away.
To you reading this, whatever age or season in life you’re in. Whether you’re counting 2020 in the age count or not – get to know you, enjoy yourself & find better friends than fear & self-doubt! Trust me, you don’t need em!
To end here’s some humour for you. If you want to know how it feels it be a year older?…
“The horrifying moment when you’re looking for an adult but then you realize that you’re an adult. So, you look for an older adult, someone successfully adulting. An adultier adult.” Unknown.